Darren Schilling · by Darren Schilling

Darren Schilling

Age: 28
Gender: Male
Astrological Sign: Libra
Zodiac Year: Monkey
Location: Vancouver : BC : Canada

The Saga Begins

Darren Steven Schilling is 28 years of age. He has recently moved from his own apartment in downtown Vancouver to Surrey B.C., in the house he lived in from the age of 9 to 22. He has currently chosen to be a human being on earth during this time period. His soul could be from anywhere and anytime. Darren is only interested in using this blog to search for his true identity. He believes the only way to understand himself as a human being is to become truly open and honest about who he is. We didn’t ask him why he doesn’t do this in private.

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I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING
12.18.08 (first installment)

This world is scary. There are things here that I am asked to look at but can’t handle. Everyday I wake up and have a conversation with myself about all of the things that could happen in the future. Not just the distant future either. I think about what I’m going to do on my break, when I’m off work, for dinner, I’m looking too far into the future.

Okay, so all the things I’m looking at are not that scary…. although many of them are. All this jazz is daunting. The work that goes into everyday is immense. Everyday is full of sorting and filing. Thinking about what my idea of success is and how to achieve it fills a big portion of my day. Thinking has brought me to the place I’m in today. I’m good with that… I’m in a good place and standing before an opportunity to launch.

I have been standing directly in front of an opportunity to launch for a long time. Thinking has not been working for me. I don’t want to think anymore, I want to know… I want to go with my heart. Self-doubt is the only thing holding me back here. I’m told that to become an actor there is a certain way to go about things. There seems to be a way of “going about” everything else as well. This is how you become a writer, filmmaker, man, adult, success, or pretty much anything I am interested in doing.

I’ve been wrong. The things I have been thinking about are wrong. The thinking in general has been wrong. In my heart I know the best thing for me and I have not been listening to it. I have been ignoring the things I know are right, and instead been in favor of the things my ego has been saying.

I’m not anything… I don’t know what to say here! I’m in a weird place right now especially with what I’m writing here. I’ve just had this idea about how I should do things my entire life but it’s not right anymore, it’s not working, it needs to change! The way I look at the world with fear needs to change! I’m afraid to jump off the cliff… I don’t know what to say. I’m so used to having a defense but now… nothing. I can’t offer anything to myself in defense. I just have to stop thinking.

Look… I’m scared!

And I don’t even know what I’m taking about.

I don’t even want to post this.

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I’M DOING QUITE WELL
12.23.08 (second installment)

So I’m not in New York City. I’m not even in Vancouver. I’m in Delta B.C., a suburb of Vancouver. Living with my mother, in my mother’s house. I live in my mother’s house, I’m 28 years old, and this makes me feel embarrassed. I am choosing to live here… I could move out. I gave notice to my landlord in Vancouver because I thought I was going to be moving to New York. I didn’t go to New York because I found out I wouldn’t be able to work my current job as I had planned. The company I work for was sold and my department is being closed. I’m most likely going to be laid off before Christmas.

I was lucky enough to think quickly on my feet and apply for a writing program at SFU that I was accepted into. It’s a part time program starting in January that I am looking forward to. While I was at acting school I discovered that I get a lot of satisfaction out of writing. It’s the first art form I have found that allows me to say what I’m thinking and feeling. I get a lot out of being able to transmit to others the many thoughts I have about how my world works.

I’m here in Delta because I don’t have a solid grasp on what I plan to do with my upcoming year. The only solid thing I have to look forward to is the writing program. Also I have been seeing a woman for a little while and despite my every effort to wriggle out of the situation she has fought to keep me in. My fear of commitment is no match for her and it looks like I’m in a relationship. At this time I am still too scared to tell her, but I think she knows I have submitted. I’m enjoying myself and happy with the situation and this last paragraph was a tongue in cheek way for me to admit that.

I’m still a little lost and I’m still a little confused. I am slowly beginning to let go of the control that I have always felt I needed in my life. I’m beginning to trust that the powers that be, will know what they are doing with me. I feel that I am well guided and I can trust myself in making decisions. Overall I’m doing quite well and looking forward to seeing what the New Year will bring into my life. I feel that I am about to launch and trust that when I do I will be satisfied with the results.

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I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHO I AM
2.04.09 (third installment)

I’ve been thinking deeply a lot lately. I’ve been viewing myself from a different angle. When I was 18 to 20 I was depressed. I saw myself as an exile. I felt like there wasn’t a place that I could go and be seen for who I was. A lot of that came from being raised by my single white mother. My father was never around, I met him once in my life and my mother could not instilled the culture of my Jamaican heritage.

My twin sister and I were just regular kids to mother. I don’t even know if she knew that we were any different than her or anyone else. It’s kind of beautiful to me actually. My mother is one of the few people I have ever met that just views me as a person and not as a black person. I appreciate and respect that but it did leave me confused when it came time to deal with the people who do look at me as a black.

I didn’t grow up in a place that had a lot of black people living in it.My sister and I were usually the only black people out of the 200 people we knew. Surrey B.C. doesn’t have a lot of black people living in it. I take a look at the colour of my skin now and I don’t even know what it’s supposed to mean. It’s a difference but I have a lot of trouble trying to figure out what that means.

I feel lonely here and crave to have long conversations with mother and father figures who can relate to my experience as a black person. I want to know what it was like when they were young. I love the idea of feeling at home among a group of people. It’s something that I have never had a chance to experience.