I Love Me Some Lamb Chops · by Dan Bauser

It’s not the usual sunny day in California, its foggy and I can’t even see the Hollywood sign as I stare out the window on the seventeenth floor of my dentist’s office. So I look at the cars below as the move to and fro, stopping at red lights and making turns; people on there way to wherever they need to go. There’s no anxiousness from up here, the cars are so quiet and look so peaceful and I sit and meditate on them. It reminds me of New York City and the skyscrapers. Actually the day itself reminds me of the old me living in New York.

I have a flood of memories today from my past. Specifically my friends throwing me a ‘good luck in California party’ before I moved out here. They took me to the Guggenheim Museum and the Museum of Natural History. We looked at art and dinosaurs and laughed as we got hushed and glared at for being too loud. We had lunch in Central Park. It was cloudy and rainy, much like the day here in Los Angeles. We splashed in puddles and took the subway all over trying to reach every part of the city to say goodbye. Dinner was at an Italian Restaurant in the East Village. We talked about the ‘old days’ and drank red wine and ate good pasta and cannoli. Ahhh the cannoli. We walked the streets of New York City knowing we’d never be this close again, at least I knew.

So much has changed in my life since then. I think it’s all starting to sink in. The idea that my journey toward health and wellness has come to fruition and a new journey is beginning. I’m in a little bit of shock that I’ve made the changes that I have and that they have had such a profound affect on my quality of life. I’m so grateful for my family and friends and what I’ve created for myself. I finally realize that I am at peace. All these years I’ve yearned and searched and clawed and scraped the bottom of the barrel hoping against hope that I could be at peace and here I sit on the seventeenth floor in a dentist chair knowing that I am.

My mind drifts back to when I was a teenager, right after Grandpa died and the overwhelming loneliness that I felt in the face of losing him and knowing that I didn’t fit in because I was gay. I can see the red brick elementary school as I sit in an empty playground crying my eyes out in self pity. I swing on the swing and my feet brush up against the sandy ground. I cry for not having any friends. I cry for feeling ugly and worthless. I cry because I don’t feel loved and then ride my bike the mile back home to another lonely place.

It’s amazing that was me. I stand here at a distance and can’t comprehend that was ever how I was. Self pity has taken a back seat to worthiness. Ugly has taken a back seat to loveliness. Unloved has taken a backseat to the overwhelming knowledge that I am full of love.

I fall in and out of a light sleep as the dentist fixes my chipped front tooth. I love me some lamb and cracked my tooth on a juicy medium rare chop lightly glazed with lemon pepper zest and mint jelly. YUM. He puts this laser thing that makes a weird whizzing sound in my mouth and jolts me awake. Josh Groban is belting out some Christmas song on the radio and I fall into the memories of Christmas growing up as I slip back into a wispy sleep.

Mom went all out for Christmas. Decorations were paraded all around the house. The Christmas tree was decorated to the nines with handmade ornaments and lights and freshly strung popcorn. Stockings hung from the fireplace and lights draped from the roof outside. There wasn’t a part of the house you could be in without seeing a snowman or Santa Claus dangling from the wall or ceiling. My siblings and I were spoiled with way too many presents from my Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents along with our parents. I always look forward to this time of year. I now know why! I felt visible, even if it were for a moment. A moment when I saw my name on a present and the word Love. My name and the word Love together.

Those were sad days with a sad young boy that grew into a sad young man. That sad young man grew into a sick young man. That sick young man grew into a man who searched for a different way of being and that man searched and searched and slowly became aware. That awareness led to observing which led to consciousness. That consciousness led to knowing that my name and the word love are the same thing. I am love, love is me. I can feel it pour out of me everyday.

My tooth is fixed. It’s a bit longer than the other tooth but that’s okay. I feel a sense of well being as I think about my life right now and what I’ve created in it. Just even the last three days. I played volleyball on Sunday morning with the gang, tennis last night with some good friends and tonight a dinner party at Nicki’s new house. I am in love with me everyday. I’m a long ways away from those days growing up in New York and so much closer to the true authentic being that I am. How Awesome!